I’m scouring for things to keep my brain occupied through winter. Things that occupy my neurons without actually making me think about existence.

Ordered a sketchbook and a new set of pastels. Logged into my Codecademy account for the first time in months. Accepted an outreach position at my coworking space. Planned my running schedule and increased my weight-training days. Stay just busy enough to keep myself solid. My feet grounded.

I come back to the same ideas over and over. “Okay, okay. This is what I have to do to avoid teetering on giving up.” I get frustrated with the notion that I’m just repeating. Recycling. Walking only over well-worn paths and—of course—never getting to different places.

But that’s just what they say, isn’t it? You’ll have a lesson repeated until you learn it.

Really learn it. Absorb it into yourself and spill it back out. Grow from it until you grow it for yourself like fingernails. Until you can play it over in your sleep and explain it to a stranger using language of a little kid. I’m just not there yet.

The concepts are clear. I know what I think I have to do. But at curtain-up I’m still fumbling. Okay. Okay. Keep practicing.