Tag: growth

Look
Addiction · Autobiography · Mental Health · Personal Development

Look

Ruby Pipes59 Comments

Sitting at the lunch counter with Mase I twirled a straw wrapper between my fingertips and tried not to meet his eyes. “So, I, uh, so I… I relapsed.” He was the first I told in person. The weight of it on my shoulders was released, then quickly replaced as tears came to my eyes and shame moved in. It’d been 36 hours since I sat in an old friend’s apartment with a bottle of bourbon, but I was still having trouble believing it happened.

He didn’t ask me why. He knew why I drank after over three years of sobriety. The only reason anyone ever relapses, I couldn’t find a reason why it mattered if I stayed sober anymore. I couldn’t find it and I didn’t go looking. I didn’t make phone calls. I didn’t go to a meeting. I just gave up and I drank. Another split-second decision that I’d have to pay for.

I didn’t keep drinking. I went to a meeting as soon as I could. I earned my 24 hour chip and then sat in my car sobbing. Not for the things I’d lost, but for the things I am. For the places I keep coming back to. For the selfish, self-serving, and stupid things I find myself doing over and over again. For my carelessness. For my apathy. For my lack of patience. For my passion and stubbornness. For my hurtfulness. For how pointless and hopeless this all feels. For all the things sorrys and sobbing won’t change.

Yet I continue forward. Despite my current inability to see why. Though I feel I don’t deserve it and it doesn’t matter anyway. I climb back up and I put one foot in front of the other and I go looking.

Go looking for something–for anything–that makes this feel a little more manageable. That reminds me I am someone worthy of love and compassion and forgiveness. Which proves I can change and grow. Something that will tell me it doesn’t always come back to this. That I can keep looking. That I will find the reasons and learn to keep them close.

17/365
Gratitude

17/365

Ruby PipesLeave a comment

“First day.” That’s what he said the slogan for the year would be. “First day.” Like every day started out as something new. As if we always have a chance to decide we’re going to do it different. “First day.” Because all that really matters is what we’re grappling with right now. Now. Be here. Present. Plan, yes. Make goals, yes. Reach, yes, always. But stay grounded. Remind yourself that today is always the beginning of something. “First day.” Each day individually. Pay attention. Breathe.

I ran this morning. In the rain. Not the snow, not the freezing, but in the rain. The true Seattle winter returns and we all remember that we are web-footed and moss-covered. We know what to do with this. This we can do.

In the time between my math class and work I sat down and drank a cup of coffee. A few minutes of solitude. Of rest. Of nothing. How easy it is to forget to let those moments happen to you. Always plugging in, turning on, looking up. Forgetting that sometimes we should just sit. Just be. Remember our hearts beating. Still. Still.

7/365
Gratitude

7/365

Ruby Pipes2 Comments

Today I saw an ivy plant growing up a fence post. It didn’t seem to be hanging on to anything, just pressing hard and reaching. I feel a lot like that lately. Suspended in air, but somehow still moving forward, up. I’m glad to know other things are doing it successfully.

I took myself out dancing last night. Came home at 12 AM all sweaty and smiling. I haven’t gone out dancing at a bar since I was like 19 probably. Sure, I’ve been to shows and what not, but not a dance floor and a DJ type thing. It was a blast. I am so grateful to my friend who told me about the event in the first place and all the people I asked to give me pep talks about going out alone.

Coffee. I needed a lot of coffee today. And there was plenty of it.