Gratitude

In Memoriam

Ruby Pipes
April 13, 1988-January 29, 2017FullSizeR1
Ruby Pipes, the light of our lives, has found her peace.  Sending love and gratitude to all you loyal followers of our dear Ruby’s Blog.  Ruby was a shining star that flashed through our lives and profoundly touched us all. Her wisdom and loving kindness, her beauty and gorgeous smile will be with us always!
Passionate and effusive, Ruby was quick to make friends and was a fierce friend to have.  Never one to do anything halfway, she loved fully and unconditionally. She remembered birthdays with cards and her homemade vegan chocolate chip cookies.  If any friend called her in need, she would drop everything to help them out or just be with them. As one of her friends told me, “She would truly listen and care.”  People remember her as “a sweet little girl with a good, kind heart”.  And she became a compassionate young woman. She truly loved us all!
Ruby was a natural beauty with an inviting smile and a laugh you could recognize across a crowded room. She emblazoned herself in your mind and in your heart without even trying.  She was unapologetically her own person, striking the balance between fierce and delicate, independent and vulnerable.  And we loved her for it.
A master of the English language,  understanding at a 12th grade level when she was in 4th grade. And so, she was drawn to music… all those captivating lyrics.  She could hear a song one time and sing it and treasure it forever after. (She had a beautiful voice!)  This love of music transported her into the realm of musicians and she became friends with many good, local artists.  She was such a wonder!
Recently she had discovered a passion for cooking, making jewelry and for math. A good student, she was excelling at them all! I told her she should write a cooking blog… Everything she did, she did well!
Those of us close to her knew that she struggled. Ruby tried, and mostly succeeded in hiding her pain and depression. But it was always there, waiting to suck her down.  She had accepted her bipolar diagnosis and reached out to professionals a few years ago.  It was a bumpy ride with more therapy and new (very exspensive!) medications.  She was doing better with her demons, and sometimes even great.  She was trying so very hard!  She wrote about her struggles in her blog post, sharing her story with honesty and love. Many of us gained strength and understanding from her poignant words.
A friend shared her understanding of Ruby’s illness and said “the instability becomes too overwhelming, exhausting, confusing, shameful… and she just felt she’d had enough.”  We know that Ruby has finally found herself some much deserved peace and rest.  But she surely has left a giant hole in our hearts! We will always hold her close.  In her own words:  “We mourn [her] loss, yes, but in turn we celebrate the living [she] did. And… oh, how [she] did.”
If you would like to visit the website of cattermolefh.com her friends have posted many photos of our dear, sweet Ruby. You can also leave condolences at that site. Thank you for visiting there.
“[S]he came like the wind, Like the wind, touched everything, And like the wind was gone.”
-Marsha Pipes
Addiction · Autobiography · Mental Health · Personal Development

Look

Sitting at the lunch counter with Mase I twirled a straw wrapper between my fingertips and tried not to meet his eyes. “So, I, uh, so I… I relapsed.” He was the first I told in person. The weight of it on my shoulders was released, then quickly replaced as tears came to my eyes and shame moved in. It’d been 36 hours since I sat in an old friend’s apartment with a bottle of bourbon, but I was still having trouble believing it happened.

He didn’t ask me why. He knew why I drank after over three years of sobriety. The only reason anyone ever relapses, I couldn’t find a reason why it mattered if I stayed sober anymore. I couldn’t find it and I didn’t go looking. I didn’t make phone calls. I didn’t go to a meeting. I just gave up and I drank. Another split-second decision that I’d have to pay for.

I didn’t keep drinking. I went to a meeting as soon as I could. I earned my 24 hour chip and then sat in my car sobbing. Not for the things I’d lost, but for the things I am. For the places I keep coming back to. For the selfish, self-serving, and stupid things I find myself doing over and over again. For my carelessness. For my apathy. For my lack of patience. For my passion and stubbornness. For my hurtfulness. For how pointless and hopeless this all feels. For all the things sorrys and sobbing won’t change.

Yet I continue forward. Despite my current inability to see why. Though I feel I don’t deserve it and it doesn’t matter anyway. I climb back up and I put one foot in front of the other and I go looking.

Go looking for something–for anything–that makes this feel a little more manageable. That reminds me I am someone worthy of love and compassion and forgiveness. Which proves I can change and grow. Something that will tell me it doesn’t always come back to this. That I can keep looking. That I will find the reasons and learn to keep them close.