Autobiography · Personal Development

Sine

October 2015.

They say to find your edge and hold it. Adjust to the water one half inch of skin at a time. It’s all about sustainability, finding a pace you can maintain for the long haul. Slow progress. Nothing spectacular. Just figure out little tasks you can do every day and then, after a couple years, look back and see how far you’ve come. But I am a bullet. An avalanche. I plow through with huge intentions and then splatter against the wall. I am a sine wave, all ups and downs.

I gently seek out my limit, toeing forward in the dark, arms outstretched. My fingertips find a concrete wall and fumble around for points of weakness. Where is there room to push through? And then I pummel until I reach exhaustion. Collapse into a heap. Get up again. Repeat. Logically, I know there must be a better way to achieve. I should chip away at it slowly. Be patient. Practice. They tell me this is how people burn out, wear down, give up and I know it’s true. I charge forward and then hurdle back. Have to fight twice as hard to gain a quarter of the distance. But I don’t know how to exist peacefully. I am all extremes.

When we first met he called me “wildfire”. Fierce and raging, unpredictable. He had me pegged within a week of exchanging messages. Knew I would throw back my head and cackle at the thought of hesitation. Deal with the fall out later. I wore the statement like a badge of honor. Wanted nothing more than to live the rest of my life aflame. But I’ve begun to wonder when I will be only scorched earth. What will grow after? Anything?

18 thoughts on “Sine

  1. I think that’s what we do, it’s who we are… We burn with a fierce intensity and passion. Slow progress is like forcing a square peg into a round hole, we need results NOW! Our wildfire is precious to us, “like a badge of honor,” and that fire could fizzle out with slow progress – it’s unacceptable. Yet, there is always new life after a forest fire, poking up through the ashes. Leaving it to chance, not knowing, that’s what scares us. I think 😉

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    1. That IS what scares us! I do not do well with chance. Which is amusing considering how inevitable it is. Especially when you never know what you’re going to feel like day to day.

      I’m sure a lot of it is just a symptom, right? My perception of time is all sorts of messed up. There’s no time for slow progress because the way I feel right now is the ONLY way I’ve EVER felt and it’s going to be like this FOREVER. Guh. Life is exhausting.

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  2. Like your husband, your intense feelings have always been something I admire about you. I think we all have some sort of contradiction at our essence; I’m not sure coherent wholes really exist. But, these contradictions are our beauty and our curse, our strength and our weakness, our gift and our loss. Let me know when and if I can help carry some of the burden. A hug, a chat, listening. I’m here.

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