Mental Health · Relationships

Amends

Spring loaded. I push away from anything that might hurt me eventually. Wrap up in myself and say it’s for the best. Try instead to salvage open wounds disguised as relationships. Tell myself I am not deserving of the goodness of being safe and loved.

But sometimes I learn to grow instead.

So I drive back to Andrew’s house and tell him about who I am. How I get scared and run away instead of facing it. How I always pick the biggest shift available instead of working on the small things. How I seem to always choose wrong when it’s flight, fight, or freeze. He follows up with me.

Surprised, I listen to him describe the kind of person I am. He unearths the flaws in my system with delicate precision, but lacking accusation. Does not leave me with instruction on how I can be different. Not even the hint that I should be. Instead, his voice is doused with a tenderness that says he understands it, it’s okay, he loves me.

“Everyone gets scared sometimes,” he says as he curls his fingers up in mine. I plant my trembling feet next to him and together we continue putting down roots. Interwoven.

Photo courtesy of Li Yang.

3 thoughts on “Amends

  1. Wow! I just read your last post and then this one. Everyone does get scared sometimes, and there is no roadmap. It is confusing and heart wrenching, and full of misturns and misdirections. It takes a special character to be able to be honest with another person, point out that individual’s strengths and weaknesses, and refrain from any sort of accusation or admonition about how to improve and what should be done better. I think that is true humility.

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