Autobiography · Personal Development

Guts

"climbing." © Michael Pollak, 2013. CC BY 2.0.
climbing.” © Michael Pollak, 2013. CC BY 2.0.

At some point, I had to finish my book. Had to put down my pen and wrap the whole thing up. Submit my final drafts and walk away. It was a project that didn’t get to go unfinished. That’s what happens when you set a release date.

My stomach is still in knots every time someone tells me their copy arrived in the mail. I’m sure there are things I could have done better. Positive they’ll find all the flaws in my work and be upset they spent their money on it. But the project is done and I have to learn to move on. Have to let good enough be good enough.

But it’s made me wonder what I could have done if I pushed just a little harder. If I was more willing to take a chance. More okay with letting go of the idea it could be perfect. To risk not making the deadline and publish something I was genuinely scared of. It’s like I ran as fast as I needed to run to win the race, but not as fast as I could have. How many times have I cut myself short just because I knew my previous limit? All the times I did what I had to do to get an A, but never wondered what would happen if I pushed further.

When things turn out to be easier than I thought they would, I don’t try to make them harder. When I succeed easily where other people struggle, I don’t try to find the point where I’d be challenged. Even with this blog, I’ve found the safe spot to sit with being vulnerable, but not completely open. I write about the more comfortable scary things and push the rest into journals.

But I don’t want to do it like that anymore. I want my projects to make me uncomfortable. To terrify me. I want to make running plans, and book ideas, and blog posts, and commitments that I honestly don’t know if I can finish. And then I want to do them anyway.

I am sick of being comfortable. Of living up to it all the time. I’m sick of knowing I can do the things I set out to do. I am sick of not having the guts to find out if my dreams are tougher than me. I am sick of only standing at the bottom of hills I know I can run up.

I’m ready to do something mesmerizing. I’m ready to dazzle. I’m ready to stop toying around with the easy, the doable, the fragments of sparkle. I am ready to be valiant.

17 thoughts on “Guts

  1. My copy of your book is on my wish list on Amazon! I would go ahead and buy it but my family always complains they don’t know what to get me for Christmas so I’ll let them get it for me lol
    You sound like you’re in a good place right now. I’m so glad!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As someone who often gets upset with family members buying themselves presents, I totally understand.

      I’m glad, too! Things are spectacular, but they’re moving up and I’ll take that, for sure.

      Like

  2. I read your book in one sitting. From cover to cover. .. didn’t let it out of my hands till the end.

    Hella proud of you. Hella 😉

    Like

  3. We are definitely on different pages right now, my dear, but that’s a good thing for you! I would love to feel comfortable, and then get used to feeling the way for awhile. Go push yourself, I think you’ll be shocked at how far your limits reach!

    Like

  4. For what it’s worth, I think personal projects, especially art related ones, absolutely MUST provoke a very strong and distinct emotion for its creator, something that shakes your very core. I’m pretty sure that’s the whole point of it anyway. Comfortable is good for a time period, it’s good if you’re not the sort of person to sink into the comfort zone you make for yourself, but pushing everything further, bending the limits and lines, that’s where you really find out what sort of person you are. And whatever the result – totally worth it. [:

    Like

Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s