Autobiography · Mental Health

Caffeine

"Seaside Silhouette" © James Harrison, 2014. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
Seaside Silhouette” © James Harrison, 2014. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

“Hey, kiddo,” my dad says to me over the phone. My whole body becomes sunshine for a moment. “I don’t even know what time it is these days. It’s either light or dark,” he tells me when I ask when he’ll be at our new apartment.

“I feel that. It’s five o’clock all day, and then it’s suddenly time for bed.”

Quitting coffee for the second time this year was not timed well. Setting the clocks back is exhausting, caffeine withdrawals doubly so. As a result, I’ve been a walking shell for the last week.

It’s an accomplishment whenever I get out of bed, shower, get dressed. A day I remember to feed myself without Mason having to remind me is marked down as a success.

My writing has became a leaky faucet, drip by drip I work on three different projects. Mostly I just stare at the screen.

Started watching TV again. Lay on the couch underneath a soft, teal blanket and stare at the box as if I’m actually capable of keeping track of the plot line.

The train takes me out to the opposite side of the city and I run from the stop to the office of my new psychiatric nurse. For an hour and a half he asks me questions. “You’re on all these medications and you really don’t feel any better?”

“Some days. Maybe. A little. I don’t know. It’s hard to judge.”

He listens intently to all my answers and begins his wrap up with, “I want to take you off basically all of these, but first we have to find one thing that works.”

Each word felt like he was unburying me. Another brick lifted off my legs. I knew I’d cry if I said anything more than, “Yes, please.”

8 thoughts on “Caffeine

  1. You are undergoing so many transitions right now. It takes such bravery to face uncertainty, to acknowledge it, and, as my therapist frames it, to “keep showing up.” Maybe it doesn’t feel like making it to your therapy appointments, eating, committing yourself to decaffeinating, gradually adjusting to a new home, staying connected to your blog followers, and working on your other writing projects, albeit slowly, counts as “showing up,” but I think you deserve a lot of credit! Building relationships with a new treatment team and considering stopping all of your meds and starting fresh takes a huge act of courage and a big leap of faith, but the potential benefits are also huge. My heart is going out to you today! ❤️

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