Autobiography · Mental Health

Settle

"Metamorphosis" © Viewminder, 2012. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
Metamorphosis” © Viewminder, 2012. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Things are getting quiet around here. The boxes are all broken down and we’ve hung the pictures on the walls. Moved in, but I still haven’t fallen into a proper schedule.

Consistency is key, I know this. I have to get up at the same time every day, go to bed at the same time every night. I have to get at least thirty minutes of exercise daily and eat around the same times. Bipolar disorder thrives on the sporadic. It amplifies the fluctuations, grabs hold to the moments I fall out of rhythm and pulls me hard in a dangerous direction.

It feels like I’m slipping. And then I blame myself for the slip. And guilt myself for the blame. One emotion cascading into the next until it’s everything I can do not to curl up on our new carpet and sob.

I imagine I am the Columbia River, pummeling through the gorge. I imagine I am Mount Hood, tearing up across an empty skyline. I imagine I am rainfall and mushrooms and moss. Powerful and peaceful and radiant. I imagine I am a free-floating seed, but only for a moment. Soon I will find roots again, create channels.

Grow.

13 thoughts on “Settle

  1. As I just moved this year after a long time living in one place, I can sympathize. I truly feel like I am still unsettled and trying to find things in my life and that being organized and engaging consistently with the banal chores of daily living is the monster I fight daily.

    Like

  2. Consistency, routine – it’s the only thing that keeps me from total paralysis. It’s like, everything I do in a day is possible because I’ve done it all the day before, it’s muscle memory. I try, emphasis on try, to turn off the hurricane of thoughts/emotions in my head and float through the day. You’ll find your roots, keep embracing the peaceful freedom 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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