Addiction · Mental Health · Personal Development


Hummingbird” © AnnCam, 2010. CC BY 2.0.
“You’re running to stand still,” he said as he mimed the motion. “The way you describe it is like the way a junkie describes shooting up just to stay level, you know. You know. Just to keep from getting sick. It sounds exhausting.”

I glanced out the window, then back to him, and pulled one foot underneath me. “I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that. I mean, I guess I just figured I kind of have to do this stuff because…” I trailed off in a light giggle. “This sounds so fucking ridiculous.”

“It sounds dangerous, is what it sounds like. It sounds unachievable. It’s just another way your perfectionism is coming into play.”

He doesn’t usually get preachy. Usually he lets me get there on my own, so I can tell it’s important when he doesn’t. My religious avoidance of things that might be addictive or may cause unhealthy habitual behavior has become just that.

Taking care of myself is getting closer and closer to becoming just another avoidance tactic. Just another thing I do to not deal with what is happening. Focusing on my health slips from being a good idea to a dangerous obsession with just a few additions.

There’s got to be balance somewhere. An understanding of the things I need to do to take care of myself and the way I need to do them. Room for the just sitting, space for doing things just because I like them. There’s has to be a way to have a cup of coffee without thinking, “This is addictive. Caffeine is addictive. Everything is going straight to shit. I’m going to start drinking again.”

Flexibility has never been my strong suit. But I like to think I can learn to stretch. Learn to believe I have the capacity to live somewhere between the perfection that doesn’t exist and passed out drunk in a ditch.

19 thoughts on “Hover

  1. Im not totally sure im follwing what your boyfriend is referring to. Your writing?
    Whatever it is, what i got from the rest of what you wrote is that you take care of shit. I call it “take care of shit kind of person”. I am one of those too. I refuse to wallow around and bitch and moan and not try to be proactive in making my situation better. If thats wrong i dont want to be right lol
    Dont beat yourself up and dont let anyone else do it either. Sometimes we feel hopeless and like theres nothing we can do. We feel helpless. That is the epitome of depression. When we’re not in that pit, we try to figure out how not to fall back into the pit. Yay us!!!! Do whatever it is that makes you feel like youre moving forward, happy, productive, or hopeful.
    People that dont have this condition dont understand. They try but its just hard for them, I get that.
    I enjoy your blog so much. Keep writing!


  2. In recovery it is always the balance that is tricky. Sometimes I think it is all about balance…how to be a little this but not too much. Feel but don’t over feel, be assertive but not aggressive, think but don’t spend all day in your head haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I really love your posts. This brought a few quotes to mind for me, and you inspired me to write something about it. Thanks 🙂

    “Well, in our country,” said Alice, still panting a little, “you’d generally get to somewhere else — if you run very fast for a long time, as we’ve been doing.”

    “A slow sort of country!” said the Queen. “Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!” -Lewis Carrol’s Through the Looking Glass

    “We’re all addicts Fiona, trying to fill a void. Some of us are just better at hiding it, right?” -Robbie, from the Showtime series Shameless. One of my favorite story lines from the series thus far.

    Interesting/creepy to think that we’re all addicts in life- we just choose what it is we’re addicted to.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Loved the ‘story’ or touched by the ‘realism’. I am wholly guilty of avoidance behaviors and can relate, even though mine are more sedentary and involve late night, Netflix binges and sleep deprivation. Everyone’s battle is personal and not exactly the same as someone else’s. But we can feel the pain all the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Love your writing! Raw, from the heart, as it should be. We live in a world that doesn’t allow us to do anything without guilt. Perfection is the goal. How dull to be perfect. Really. We feel guilty if we have some fun and when we don’t have fun. Do what moves you to a higher level of consciousness and love for yourself, whatever it is, be addicted to that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The more I read your offerings the more I realise I’m ‘one of your tribe’
    I have never drunk a coffee EVER because I’m scared of becoming addicted.
    How silly of me.
    I beaten thousands of running tracks around in my mind…
    I like you helping me …. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “Learn to believe I have the capacity to live somewhere between the perfection that doesn’t exist and passed out drunk in a ditch.”


    And.. yes.


  8. I dated a body builder once. I learned that when they’re at their performance peak, their body is actually in this incredibly dangerous place. Muscles so taut they could snap if you just looked at them the wrong way. How is that the person we epitomize as “strength”? It’s not about heft. It’s not about lifting the big shit over your head and throwing it back on the ground. That’s not it at all. The strength is in bending forward a little more every day, bouncing in your hamstrings until the stretch doesn’t hurt so bad. Bend farther next time. A little more every day, just a second longer is still progress. Those ballerinas and gymnasts and yogis have incredible muscle too. But they also have the grace that comes with learned flexibility.

    It’s not about throwing shit around.



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