Autobiography

Stuck

Stuck on You – HFF” © Nana B Agyei, 2010. CC BY 2.0.

I can’t write lately.

My moods are improving. Things seem to be leveling out. Medication doses stabilizing. Hormonal birth control abandoned. Therapy twice a week.

But I sit down to write and…

It’s like I’m all dried up. All talked out. Like everything has been scoped out from every angle and I have nothing left to say about it.

Instead, I want to take long walks to nowhere. Afternoon naps. Want to find a hobby, an escape that has nothing to do with words.

Or maybe I just feel stuck in general. We’re floating in that place between leaving and staying. Deposit down for a new place hundreds of miles away, but no move-in date.

My fingers itch to start putting things in cardboard boxes, to sign up for yoga classes I can walk to from our new apartment. To set up my new office and establish a new routine.

But instead I have to sit by the phone and hope our new manager will call and say, “Construction will be done next week, for sure. Move in whenever you’re ready!”

I float. Feeling like I already soaked up everything I can from this soil, but unable to leave.

Ever hopeful that maybe when we do things will start making sense again. That words will form into sentences. That my vision won’t blur around the edges. That I won’t feel like crying for no fucking reason. That it will make a difference.

36 thoughts on “Stuck

  1. I hate that feeling! You’re ready to go and your reality is not. Always upsetting to the system to have upheaval of your base, very unsettling, even when it’s time to go. Hang in there and do something you would not normally do, do one thing you have always wanted to do where you are living now, find the beauty in where you are right now, there’s a reason you’re still there.

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      1. i print mandalas off the internet for free..some really god ones on there. i find coloring grounding and meditative; jigsaw puzzles too, but i wouldn’t start one of those before moving.

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  2. I hate it when I feel like I have to write, want to write, but at the same time it is the absolute last thing I want to do. Sometimes there is so much going on that I just don’t know where to start, or I’ve already overthought it so much that the idea of going back there again makes me feel ill. Going for walks and coloring are great releases. Yoga, too. But sometimes, if I’m in a safe place, I’ll just start writing about the flower box outside the window or the dusty curtains. And soon I find myself transported somewhere totally new.

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  3. You sound so much like me, I feel like this all the time– I hope you can move soon and start your new routines, there’s definitely some special kind of joy when you get somewhere new and get to reset, that feeling has definitely made me a bit of a travel/moving addict. Although I don’t know about this “can’t write” business, this post was beautifully written and very relatable!

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    1. There is, isn’t there? I know you’re always the same person and you’re going to do many of the same things, but moving makes such a huge difference for me. Especially since I’ve been very angry at Seattle for quite some time now. I’ll be so relieved just to GET OUT.

      And thank you. 🙂

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  4. like someone above said, you did write.
    i identify, with the in-between and with the not writing..i just can’t lately. I actually write a lot but it’s all half finished, makes no sense except to me, more thann i want to publish, etc….
    it’s fine. so i don’t write.
    cultivating the okay in what we do or don’t do is important, i think…no judgement, no hurry, no pressing need .
    hundreds of miles away?
    that sounds exciting

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being okay with what I do and don’t do is something I’ve never been very good at. But cultivating is a good word for it. I like to think I can learn.

      It is exciting! We’re moving from Seattle to just outside of Portland. I’m really excited to get a bit more breathing room.

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  5. I relate so much to this. Instead of writing, I find it hard for me to create things lately. I recently moved this month and I get an office to myself but don’t have a desk or any organization in it yet. I totally know how you feel! You will feel better once you move and everything will come to you in a new and different way. It gets better. And you did make a difference! 🙂

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    1. Oh my goodness. I so feel for you. My husband was gracious enough to give up his home work space for me tonight, so I finally have a desk for the first time since March. Not my own space, but a good consolation prize for our postponed move.

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    1. I like this idea! It’s so hard for me to give myself any leeway. Even though all my deadlines are self-imposed, I feel like I just HAVE to get so much done every day. Perhaps learning to cut myself some slack will be my project this month.

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  6. Are there any little things about your current area that you will miss? Things you can walk to that will be too far away at the new place? Coffee shops or restaurants? Parks? Try to think of the things you’ve enjoyed about where you are, because soon everything will be new! xo

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    1. This is a great idea. It’s really easy for me to just say, “I’m so sick of this place. When we move I’m going to be able to…” But I’m sure there are things I can do now that I won’t be able to do later. I’ll seek those things out.

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  7. I think sometimes while thinking we can’t do something, we actually prove to ourselves that we really can. Which is exactly what you just did, you wrote and you made people connect with a post about not writing. Sit with that for a bit. ( I say smiling)

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  8. Is it ‘stuck’ or is it ‘hover’?

    Stuck implies a permanence that I don’t think applies. Your words are beautiful, as always, and suggest a kind of butterflies’ dance.
    You flit to the phone to the plans you are making to the phone and back to the window to look out at what you are leaving.
    You hover over your words and think on them and wonder if they are gone, when in fact, they are right there.
    Or so it seems to me, from here.

    I agree with a previous couple of commenters: take a break, take a long walk to your favorite haunts. Touch that crumbly brick wall you adore, kick up newly fallen leaves in a park you might miss.

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