Addiction · Mental Health · Personal Development

Living in the gradient

Looking back” © Brandon, 2014. CC BY 2.0.

Rivers cut new channels into valleys. Minerals in drops of water pile on the ground to create stalagmites taller than I am. The sun pulls itself slowly over the horizon line and a new day creeps into existence. Then back out again.

We know everything takes process. One small thing connected to another, pushing us gradually in the corresponding direction. But I still find myself struggling to give credit to each little piece.

There’s point A and there’s point B. The line between? AB. Defined by its end points. Always. And if I can’t make it–guaranteed–from one point the other, I have a tendency to abandon mission.

What a toxic way of thinking.

There is no “finish” anyway, right? Not in earnest. Most important things will never be “complete”. Nothing is only accessible by following one specific path.

Come on, kid. You know this.

Nothing is certain. Nothing guaranteed. You could do everything right and still fail. You could do everything wrong and still accomplish everything you set out to do. The only thing I have any control over is the little things.

And I’ve been ignoring them. Acting as if they don’t count.

As if every day of sobriety will be worthless if I ever slip up. Every word ever written wasted if I never publish a book. Every weight I lift won’t count for shit if I never deadlift over 300 pounds. Every day I feel good about will never have existed if I fall asleep sobbing on the bathroom floor again. Every moment of peace, of beauty, of love is meaningless the next time I find myself feeling like I just can’t fucking do this.

A painfully effective way of creating an environment you cannot grow in. You feel trapped in. Where nothing matters for as much as you want it to. Where nothing matters at all.

It gets stuck in your throat. Coils itself around your head, whispering soft in your ear. Non-stop explanations of why you can’t do this, why it doesn’t matter, how pointless the fight has become. It forces you into the extremes.

But I want to live in the gradient. Those small and gentle spaces in between. Where everything counts for credit. Where as long as you’re still conscious in your movements you’re doing everything you should be doing.

Where as long as you’ve picked a direction and you’re taking steps you are successful. Where distance traveled is measured in something other than, “Are you there? Yes or no?”

Because we never will be. But we are still moving.

11 thoughts on “Living in the gradient

  1. A = Birth.
    B = Death.
    Everything in between A and B = Life.

    We are all living in the in between, the gradient, whether we are aware of it or not. And I do think it’s the in between that matters — like a tally sheet. One negative entry doesn’t negate all of the previous credit entries; at most it just swings the averages a little bit. At least I hope so anyway. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “As long as you’ve picked a direction and are taking steps you are successful”…
    like Christy says..A—B
    That’s what we got.
    I every time i had been in that “can’t fucking do this” place I had given up (or, rather, given in), well, i wouldn’t be here to keep trying to do the next right thing.

    right behind you on all of it (well, maybe not the 300 lb deadlift, that can be yours)

    glad you’re back. I missed your voice

    Like

  3. I was captured by the title and then held fast by the insight. From your brain to mine–a link is established. The shaky line drawn in the grey dust between these points is the path welcoming my spirit home.

    Like

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