Personal Development

Daily Paradoxes

"The paradox of choise" © Andrei Zmievski, 2007. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
The paradox of choice” © Andrei Zmievski, 2007. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

Yesterday, I was proud of myself. I was still in a minor state of disbelief that I’d made it a year without drinking, but I was proud. And that was such a strange feeling for me.

I tried to let myself bask in it. To not push down that feeling of accomplishment with reminders about how this is a process and I still have a lot of work ahead of me. I smiled big, received hugs, and every time someone told me they were proud of me I tried to remember to say, “Me, too.”

So often, I am quick to discredit myself. Make excuses for hard work, like I somehow just got lucky. It’s easier to focus on what I haven’t done than to ever take a moment to congratulate myself on a job well done. There is always so much more to do.

Throughout the day I decided to just let myself reflect on what big deal a year of sobriety is. But I’d soon find myself letting that bleed into thinking, “If I can do that, why can’t I do this?”

Never satisfied.

Always pushing forward. I’m torn between wanting to always be growing, be learning, be reaching and allowing myself a moment to look at how far I’ve gone. I’m petrified of stagnation, but avoiding it compulsively—and at any cost—is also paralyzing.

Oh, the no-win lives we build ourselves.

9 thoughts on “Daily Paradoxes

  1. I know for me that I sometimes think that if I could get and stay sober than i SHOULD be able to do anything! it’s such a trap, and so easy to fall in to. The other side of that coin, and the TRUTH is that I can’t do everything, but the things that I have accomplished since becoming sober are epic, and I know that there will be more to come. Staying in daily gratitude for all of that really helps me out of that judging, no win place, because I see all the wins, small and large.

    congratulations again!
    You can do a LOT! (i think that is a very realistic goal)

    Like

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