Tag: plans

Mental Health

Complete

Ruby Pipes2 Comments
"curl shine" © Jon Fife, 2007. CC BY-SA 2.0.
“curl shine” © Jon Fife, 2007. CC BY-SA 2.0.

Last night I curled up on the couch hoping that maybe, just maybe, if I could fold into myself tight enough I would simply cease to exist.

Today I got up, put on three layers of clothing plus rain gear, and took a walk with a friend.

Came home, did laundry, and went running. Continue reading →

Writing

Different Light

Ruby Pipes5 Comments

"Night Light" © Doug Wheller, 2011. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
“Night Light” © Doug Wheller, 2011. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
“When I’m painting regularly I start looking at the world different. I notice the way the light hits a tree. I see shadows between leaves. I see the gradual change between shades of green. I notice all the little parts of it. And then I see the whole tree.”

How we spend our time doesn’t only change the time we’re spending. It bleeds into everything. Your existence becomes tinted. Our thoughts, our habits. We reflect them back to ourselves. Constantly shifting. Our creativity is like any muscle that grows or atrophies depending on its use. A central theme to build around. Something to color everything. Continue reading →

Autobiography

Build

Ruby Pipes12 Comments

"Scaffold" © Andreas Levers, 2007. CC BY-NC 2.0
“Scaffold” © Andreas Levers, 2007. CC BY-NC 2.0
I am a baby deer. Timid steps and quick to spook. Sober for 309 days and still not sure if I know how to do anything new. We get so set in our habits, so sure that things are the way they are. The way they have been. The way they will be. I start to plan accordingly even when I have no evidence of everything crashing around me. I never learned how to embrace stability, how to trust love, how to build something without constantly questioning my foundation or worthiness.

But I’d like to.

So I start to pull back the covers. Stop trying to point fingers at all sorts of made up problems and finally lean into the idea that I’m just terrified of not facing a great tragedy. Absolutely petrified by the idea that maybe the things around me are solid. That I can count on them and that it’s okay to act accordingly. It’s okay to relax. To stop digging around in the dirt for a molehill to make a mountain out of. You can breathe now, kid. It’s okay. Continue reading →