Autobiography · Personal Development

Fire

Wildfire Forest fires BW 1” © Reidar Murken, 2015. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

While getting ready I realize it’s another day I can’t wear mascara. “You’ll be sobbing later. I guarantee it.” I dry my hair and powder my face and leave without the coats of black I like the most. Looking just a bit off. Just a bit less put together than I like to be. Just a little bit different.

Maybe I think the dresses and the make up and the hair will make me feel like no one can tell I’m falling apart at the seams. Barely holding it together. Maybe I’m not actually as fucked up as I feel I am, and when I get ready in the morning I remember.

Remember. Remember that I know what it’s like to be okay. That I know what it’s like to not be hurting.

And Becka told me that your best looks different every day. And my guided mediation told me everything looks different every day. And Alyssa told me there is nothing wrong with me anyway.

There are no voids that need filling. That thing you think is emptiness is only there because you named it and you keep talking to it. You keep trying to change something that doesn’t exist, so of course it doesn’t seem to be working.

Every time you try, you draw more attention to it. It’s just like meditation in that way, isn’t it? How when you try to think about not thinking you just think more. When you get upset about getting upset you just get more upset.

All your feelings are compounding. They snowball. Pile up and drag us down. And you know that. So you start to feel like you ought to do better, be better.

But what if you could learn that you’re fine the way you are? That you don’t have anything you need to prove. That you’re lovable and worthy. That you don’t have to fix anything. That you’re okay.

That you are not a hollow shell. That you are ferocious and vibrant. That you are unbreakable.

30 thoughts on “Fire

  1. I have been there. Recently, I have transitioned from being more social to being more alone. I had to come to terms with the emotions it brought up, and to realize everything was okay that I didn’t need to fix myself. Stay strong.

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    1. Was that a choice? Like, did you realize how draining being very social can be?

      I always feel like I ought to want to be around people more. I enjoy people, but they’re exhausting. It’s hard to be okay with that when we’re surrounded by the idea that we need to “get out more”.

      You stay strong, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Part of it was choice and part not. Being a single mother, I found I was limited at certain times to do things. Now it is mainly a choice. I choose when I want to be around people, because people provide me with energy or be very draining. I tend to go to big events that have a lot of people and keep to myself because it is very exhausting. When I want to be more personable, then I choose smaller groups preferably with friends or people I feel comfortable with.

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  2. Well, your writing is absolutely ferocious and vibrant, so that’s a start right?! Give yourself some credit darling, you are doing your best and that is above and beyond when you are depressed. You got up, you got dressed and you showed up – that in itself is a successful day. The desire to be social will come back when you’re ready, this is a time for you to take care of you, a time to feed your soul. You are an amazing writer, if that feeds your soul, write. If you love reading, delve into a good book. Drink tea, snuggle up and watch a good movie… whatever it is that makes you feel safe and comforted, do those things. Feeding your soul is just as important as taking your meds, going to therapy and all of the other things we do to heal. I never properly thanked you for reaching out to me when I needed it most, well here I am reaching back… abigail8311@icloud.com – anytime & always. You are not alone, I understand.

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    1. That is a start!

      It’s so easy to forget that the quiet and soft things are taking care of me, too. The reading, the writing, and lying on the couch listening to my favorite albums. That stuff is vital, but it feels so…lazy. Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay.

      And thank you. I’m glad we found each other.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. As an “almost” 50 year old, I want you to know , that is what you are doing , you are learning every day how to be okay the way you are, and the things you are not okay with, you are learning to tweak and deal with and move around, until some day in a not so distant future you wake up okay with all of you. And then you come to understand you truly are Unbreakable because you made it this far. Your wonderful just the way you are.

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  4. I love love love reading your writing because I have been in that spot for such a long time. You put into words what many cannot about how draining and mentally exhausting depression is. It is nice to read about someone else’s experience and just know that I am not the only one who has gone and will continue to go through this. You’re awesome. Keep up the good fight. One day soon there will be better days.

    xoxo

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  5. We get to remember who we are; that person that has always been… She is still there for you… for me. And, when we cannot remember who we are, our true nature, the fabulousness that has always been… our friends will remember for us until we can remember again.

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  6. It’s okay to name things. It’s actually beneficial to recognize the thinking and label it. Monks do it. It’s good to reveal what is wrong. Your feelings are valid. Empty just means there’s an opening. There’s room. That’s better than clutter and distraction and escape modes. So then you ask am I clinging to the thinking or simply recognizing it as thinking. It’s okay to know how many times things pattern out and what keeps coming up the most for you. You’re not supposed to be able to stop thinking even in zen with the whole “no mind” thing. Moving beyond the thinking and taking action once you name it, is being in the now. And that action includes making a choice to be one on one and o not a “group person”. You are not required to be a group person. That’s not the “right way” to be, it’s just a way to be. One on one is fine. If it’s where you are comfortable, it’s perfect. There’s nothing wrong with not being a social butterfly. It’s only wrong thinking you must be one. You can’t help thinking and feeling. That’s entirely normal.

    Charlotte Joko Beck wrote Everyday Zen and also Nothing Special (among other books) that discuss thinking and zazzen mediation which I found kind of rough at first, because it’s not a replacement for therapy and can not be used for it, but it still really speaks to clinging and thinking and emptiness in a tangible way. Maybe these books will help you too…

    In any case I love your writing, your blog, your honesty, your insights, and your proactive stance. Keep looking for you. She’s entirely worthy.

    xoxo
    kj

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  7. Don’t dismiss how you feel when you feel lost. You’re not making anything up. You’re not just thinking something into being.
    My only advice is difficult but it would be to Just try and be a tiny bit removed… Observe and acknowledge how you’re feeling. You are learning about different aspects of yourself. It doesn’t sound comfortable, but it is making you the person who you will be and it has made you the brave and emotionally intelligent person you are.
    Your writing is such a gift. Keep going with it. We are so privileged to read it.

    Firefly

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  8. This is so beautifully written. My daughter suffers, and this – this is what I see in her eyes sometimes. The sad thing is, the people I see that are prone to thoughts of not being worthy are actually the most genuinely talented people I know (my daughter is an artist). You have made me stop and listen, and care, and also, if I am honest, shed a tear or two. Sending you love. Mir xx

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  9. awesome post on depression. i will share with some of my clients at work who struggle with the same issues. thank you for putting words into such dark feelings.

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  10. I passed a car with a bumper sticker the other day that said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” It burns a little to hear it, doesn’t it? How did we delude ourselves into thinking it was more complicated than that?

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  11. You ARE ferocious!
    Meditation is the one thing that helps me stay connected to my ‘real’ world.
    Gentle self talk – positive self talk – it’s the most constant thing I do.
    People are exhausting … takers
    Believe it or not .. You’re a giver … People take from you because you want to give honestly and absorbingly.
    Give only to those who are worthy.
    Big crowds are over rated.
    ✌️

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