Autobiography

Copacetic

"Honey" © Dino Giordano, 2008. CC BY 2.0.
Honey” © Dino Giordano, 2008. CC BY 2.0.
I skipped the gym this weekend. Slept in on Saturday. Read books about football at a coffee shop and learned how to edit the CSS on my blog. Didn’t write anything that wasn’t code or text messages to friends. We ate ice cream and pizza. Watched TV.

And I was okay with everything.

Didn’t make up any stories about failure or wasting time. Didn’t try to assign meaning to food consumed or hours spent sitting, spent sleeping. We were playful and our apartment dripped with laughter. Kisses exchanged during lulls in the storyline. Shoulder rubs traded between trips to get another cup of coffee.

Easy.

It’s been five days since I last felt hopeless. Since I felt the need to curl my knees into my chest and squeeze tight enough to shut myself completely. Existing hasn’t been hurting and that’s exciting. I’ve been catching myself humming.

The laziness of the weekend didn’t get a grasp on Monday morning. I bounced out of bed and made my way to yoga class. No griping about messing anything up. No mumbling about how I should have done something different.

Waiting for the tightness to creep into my chest. To whisper that I need to start preparing. Nothing smooth can last. We’re all bound to slip again. The impermanence of joy, of ease, of comfort. But instead I take another breath and ask, “Why should that matter?”

It’s easy now. Just let it be.

4 thoughts on “Copacetic

  1. Now.
    Now sounds good, living in it sounds good.
    My gramma used to say something about “borrowing trouble from tomorrow..”
    why do that?
    impermanence is a fact because things are always changing, for good or bad…
    but it’s all now, ATHA…the first word in the yoga sutras and many believe the only one that really matters.
    Just let it be

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your gramma sounds like a smart lady.

      I’m always amazed at how it sounds so simple, but is to hard. What happened. What might happen. There’s nothing to do about any of it, but worrying is so, so easy.

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      1. I’m delving pretty deep into yoga philosophy at the moment, and the Yoga Sutras in particular. The second one talks about cittas vrtti…basically those things that hold us back, keep us from th now and from our practice. There are 5, the last one being memory, and i identified so strongly with that one as my main issue…like you said what happened, based on that what might happen….it takes me right out of now and keeps me stuck in the past or some crazy, imagined future. And I miss so much…have missed so much. Conditioned responses that must be changed…it’s hard stuff, but naming it has made me more aware. Becoming aware is the first step…right? Doesn’t mean I got it, but it does mean i’m getting it..progress. I’ll take that.

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