At dinner with Tanya I lean forward, chin in hand, elbow on table, and blow air hard through my lips. “Guh. I don’t know, dude. What the fuck am I doing?” That’s all there was to say about it.

She laughed and shrugged. “You’ll figure it out.”

I have to think I am coiling tight. Pulling in. A star about to go supernova, I’m collapsing in order to expand. Dazzling.