Tag: routine

Autobiography · Mental Health · Personal Development

Nurture

Ruby Pipes20 Comments
"pink wooly love" © Dorky Mum, 2010. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
“pink wooly love” © Dorky Mum, 2010. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

In November of 2013 I was happy. I like to hold onto that month in my memory as proof that it’s possible. Evidence I can shake this ache from my bones and stand up strong. I carry that idea around with me like a seed, try to supply it with what it needs to grow. But it’s mostly guesses as to how this all works. How to properly nurture it.

I know I was getting up at the same time every day and exercising at least forty minutes. Mason and I were doing a Whole30, so we were eating well and I was cooking most of our meals. I was also participating in NaNoWriMo. But that’s all I can remember about that month. Those things and the fact that I was happy.

Could happiness be so simple? Something that wraps itself into our daily activities like brushing our teeth or checking the mail. Perhaps it slinks in and out of our lives attached to simple habits we didn’t think made much of a difference at the time. Maybe it’s not all just the whim of brain chemicals and hormones. Maybe it’s the day-to-day things.

It both needs to be simple and couldn’t possibly. Could I get that feeling back just by working out, cooking, and writing a book? If I think it’s that easy, why I can’t I get myself to do those things? The strong hand of depression closes around me so tight I can’t seem to make the movements I need to free myself.

All of it sounds so easy in theory. Get up in the morning, go run, go to work, write, cook dinner. But each one feels so monumental when you’re wrapped up in it. When you’re in the midst of depression, nothing seems like it would make a difference. The things you know help don’t matter, because you can’t make yourself believe any of the things you know. But maybe I could start.

Maybe I could get myself to remember it’s the little things that make a difference. Maybe I could get myself to remember it’s simple steps in the right direction that get you to where you’re going. I don’t need an entire garden, just a little bit of soil.

Writing

New Year, New Format

Ruby Pipes21 Comments
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“El encuentro” © Iñaki Bolumburu, 2015. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

I have to say that 2015 was my least favorite year to date. Maybe that means 2016 is going to be a good one. With the new year I’ve decided that this blog could use a little overhauling, so I’m making some changes in the way I post here.

From now on, you’re going to get five posts a week instead of just two. This is a tremendous undertaking for me, both because of the writing and because of the mental and emotional tax that writing holds. I think it will be a valuable and important part of our upcoming year and I’m very excited about it.

On Mondays, I’m going to give you an update on what I’m doing for my own personal development. This could be anything from how I overcame an urge to drink, to a particularly important run I took, to my goals for the upcoming week. Having bipolar disorder and being a recovering alcoholic take a lot of energy and I’d like to start writing more openly about that.

Wednesdays are going to be for book reviews. One of my big goals in 2016 is to read fifty books, so to keep myself on track I’ve decided to start writing about what I’m reading. I hope these will be interesting, informative, and inspiring for you.

Then on Fridays I’m going to be doing guest posts. (Email ruby[at]rubybrowne.com if you’re interested in writing one.) These are a collection of pieces from other writers and bloggers that I love. I’m thrilled about this addition to my blog and hope you find some exciting new voices to follow.

Tuesdays and Thursdays will continue to be a collection of everything else. This is where you’ll find my poetry, talks about relationships, and all the mental health goodness you follow this blog for.

Hopefully this new format is stimulating and thought provoking for all of you. I’m ecstatic to put more time into this blog and this community growing up around it.

Here’s to a better 2016.

Addiction · Autobiography · Mental Health · Relationships

Two Years Sober

Ruby Pipes36 Comments
"Windows Molde Norway abstract" © Les Haines, 2012. CC BY 2.0.
“Windows Molde Norway abstract” © Les Haines, 2012. CC BY 2.0.

Tomorrow will be my second sober anniversary and I am terrified. So terrified I’ve found myself lying on the floor, still in my coat and scarf, kicking the wall, and sobbing. So terrified I drove to my parents’ house after dinner to cry onto my mother’s shoulder. So terrified I’m struggling to find the words to write about it. Terrified.

Because the second year is when I learned that not drinking isn’t the end of the battle. That I’m still sick. I still have bipolar disorder and it’s still something that needs to be managed. The second year is when I learned that there’s a difference between giving your all and giving enough.

The second year is the year I learned that yes, I have PTSD. Yes, some horrible things have happened to me. Yes, I’ve been hurt by people, but they didn’t do this to me. The second year is when I learned that no matter how much other people have done, the fact that I’m sick is nobody’s fault and I have to stop blaming them. That blaming them is just letting them do it again and again.

This year I finally learned that if I’m ever going to get better I have to mourn the loss of normality. I have to let go of the idea that if I can just stay sober everything will be okay. I learned I have to manage my medication, go to therapy, exercise everyday, avoid caffeine, get regular sleep, and write daily. Just like not drinking, these aren’t options for me. They’re not perks. It’s just what I have to do if I want to be okay. And I want to be okay.

If I’m going to do that, some things have to change. I have to admit that I’ve been wallowing in my marriage in order to avoid discovering who I really am without booze. That I’ve let a relationship become my defining attribute, so that I don’t have to figure out what my defining attribute is. What I want it to be. I’m going to have to admit that I’ve been using love and food and video games and sleep to prop me up the way bourbon used to.

I feel like I just barely made it to the finish line this year. I feel like a dry drunk. But I also know that–just like when I quit drinking–realizing what I need to do is half the battle. So in the next year I’m going to give myself the space to figure out who I am as a person. Give myself the space to manage my illness effectively. The space to stop blaming my character flaws on what happened to me in the past. The space to stop confusing character flaws and symptoms.

Because when I hit my third year, I want to know I earned it. I want to know I’m stronger. I want to know I did it different.