trash” © Quika Brockovich, 2013. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.


We lean on things because we are clinging to the idea they can make our feelings stop. Not help cope with anything. Not deal with our anxiety, our depression, our loss. That isn’t our intention. We just want the emotions to stop. The anger, the frustration, the hurt, the fear. Cast it out. Cover it up. Make to stop.

Even when we stopped drinking, stopped using, stopped whatever addictive behavior we’d deemed useful. Even when we started looking at our damaging behaviors. Everything we did was still under the guise that this too would somehow allow us to make the feeling stop. We became bound by the idea that if we can understand where the hurt comes from we can fix it. Make it go away. The goal was never to embrace it. To face it. We want to trace everything back to its origin so we can destroy it. Time-traveling to kill the would-be mothers of our greatest influencers before they conceive. Continue reading →



"Sunset" © Paul Rysz, 2013. CC BY 2.0.
Sunset” © Paul Rysz, 2013. CC BY 2.0.
As teenagers we knit ourselves tight. A collection of creatures people on the outside considered crass. Ruthless. At the time, that’s what made it validating. If they hate everyone, but they like me, I must have something special. If they are malevolent, but cordial to me, I must be a stellar human being.

It took me years to realize people are the same to everybody. The old first date adage of, “Pay attention to how he treats the waiter, not how he treats you,” is true. It’s rare that you are seeing the real person and everyone else is seeing a front. You are not the exception to the rule. No matter what part of the snake you’re holding, the teeth find a way to come back and bite you. Continue reading →