Autobiography

Attachments

"Empty Room, Window" © Tim Samoff, 2005. CC BY-ND 2.0.
Empty Room, Window” © Tim Samoff, 2005. CC BY-ND 2.0.
I don’t keep things. Journals get discarded when filled. My photo collection gets whittled down over and over again. My mind remembers the way old friends formed their letters. The dots of their i’s, the curve of their a’s. But I’ll never uncover intricately folded pieces of notebook paper containing their secrets.

Sometimes I remember an old picture I wish I still had. I catch myself hoping that someone held on to a copy and it will resurface someday. Show up in the mail with no return address as a reminder we used to be different people. Existence used to mean something else. Continue reading →

Relationships

Rattlesnake

"Sunset" © Paul Rysz, 2013. CC BY 2.0.
Sunset” © Paul Rysz, 2013. CC BY 2.0.
As teenagers we knit ourselves tight. A collection of creatures people on the outside considered crass. Ruthless. At the time, that’s what made it validating. If they hate everyone, but they like me, I must have something special. If they are malevolent, but cordial to me, I must be a stellar human being.

It took me years to realize people are the same to everybody. The old first date adage of, “Pay attention to how he treats the waiter, not how he treats you,” is true. It’s rare that you are seeing the real person and everyone else is seeing a front. You are not the exception to the rule. No matter what part of the snake you’re holding, the teeth find a way to come back and bite you. Continue reading →

Personal Development

Practice

"Rotten Wood" © Paula Bailey, 2004. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
Rotten Wood” © Paula Bailey, 2004. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
In mindfulness meditation I’m learning how to pay attention. Watch where my thoughts go and then bring them back to where I’m trying to keep my focus. Dandelion seeds floating in the air, they dance around unaware of the fact that they are “supposed” to be doing something.

You can’t pass judgment on where your brain decides to go. It’s interesting. It’s something to pay attention to. But there is never anything wrong with what you’re thinking about. There is no direction you’re supposed to head. The mind does what the mind will do you and you just have to let it. Coax it back to your breath. Ease it back into your center. Try not to get angry or frustrated with how it behaves when you let it run around without you. None of it has to mean anything. It doesn’t have to hold weight. Doesn’t have to change, define, or shape anything about you. It just is and that’s all it has to be. Continue reading →