Autobiography

Extrinsic

"Minimalism outside" © 55Laney69, 2012. CC BY 2.0.
Minimalism outside” © 55Laney69, 2012. CC BY 2.0.
I find myself looking for someone else to tell me what I’m doing is good. Is important. Is valuable. I keep trying to convince myself I’m intrinsically motivated, but I don’t trust my own opinion enough. I’d like to be. I want to be. But maybe only because I’ve heard other people say I should. I wonder if there’s a right way to do anything. If there is an answer to, “What should I focus on? What should I pour attention into?” I wonder if there is ever an answer to a “should” question at all.

Even now. I’m spending all my time writing. Reaching out and connecting. I’m doing the hard work. I’m growing and I find it fulfilling. But when I get home at night I still look at Mason with puppy-eyes and hope he’ll agree this is significant. I still feel like it doesn’t count if people don’t share the stuff I write, don’t comment, don’t hit “like”. As if what I get out of it is somehow tied to what you get out of it. Continue reading →

Relationships

Unflinching

"moving boxes" © Robert S. Donovan, 2009. CC BY-NC 2.0.
moving boxes” © Robert S. Donovan, 2009. CC BY-NC 2.0.
We didn’t drag our feet. When Mason and I met we knew exactly what we wanted. Three weeks later I moved in. No hesitation. Over three years later and we’re still confident it was the smartest thing either of us ever did.

He makes loving him easy. Makes it safe to let my guard down. In those soft, tender moments it becomes clear just how different he is—this love is—than the ones I used to frequent.

The things I was fed flavored the rest of me. Every relationship I’ve ever had bled into the next one. Old habits and expectations that never served me well stuck around, wreaking havoc. I catch myself applying old salt to fresh wounds. Getting nowhere. Continue reading →