Autobiography

Running, growing, and rap music

"rune" © Alessandro Pautasso, 2009. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
run” © Alessandro Pautasso, 2009. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

The past two weeks I’ve been only just functioning. December’s introduction left me incapacitated and stumbling. Wrapped in a blanket, curled up on the couch. This week I managed to pull myself from the apartment with unwashed hair and dirty fingernails. All hazy around the edges, my heart and my head were only half-way there. The kind of week I have trouble even remembering. My word. I know, I swear, I did things.

My exercise weeks start on Thursdays. Wednesday’s scheduled rest day has had a tendency to bleed into two or five days lately. My body has no idea how to go about sleeping these days. Running and trips to the gym get scrapped for sleeping in, cups of coffee, and promises to get it done this afternoon. There is always an excuse to find later. I know I have to trick myself to going outside before I even have a chance to think about it. Can’t fall for that, “Oh, come on, you have all day.” I know that isn’t true. Plus, I’ve always preferred the morning. Continue reading →

Personal Development

River

"Fork you! (bw)' © Éole Wind , 2009. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.
Fork you! (bw)‘ © Éole Wind, 2009. CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

“You have to entertain the idea that maybe you were wrong.”

Not that I did anything bad. Not that I misheard or acted incorrectly. But wrong in the sense that the things we used to do did not mean what we thought they did. That those same things did not make us who we assumed we were because of them.

Our brains make the same patterns over and over again. Connections reinforced our entire lives. Neurons working like muscles in groups. The most often used pathways become stronger and the others wither. Rivers cut so deep into the earth we assume they will never reroute. But they are. With time. With practice. With interference. Continue reading →

Mental Health

Trahere

"'Starry Night'...The Rains of Isaac Falling" © Viewminder, 2012. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
‘Starry Night’…The Rains of Isaac Falling” © Viewminder, 2012. CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.
Hydroplaning. Enough water to lose friction, but not enough to create more. I feel like if I had just a little more ache I could name it. If I had just a little less I wouldn’t have to.

I talk about how I got up this morning. When the alarm clock went off, even. On less than twelve hours of sleep. Amazing. I revel in my ability to take a shower and put on clothes. To leave the house. Keep appointments. Can it count as friction? Please. Something to give me a little traction so I feel less like I’m sliding. Careening. Out of control. Helpless.

My shoes skid across the sidewalk and I swear I’m floating. People are just blurs of hats and scarves. Sunglasses. Warm, fuzzy blobs of color and noise. I am completely disconnected. Nothing you’re saying sounds like words. I smile, but I don’t see you. Not really. Keep my hands in my pockets, unsure if I’d actually feel my touch on anything. Begging to feel like I’m residing in my own body. Like I have any sway over what happens in my head. Continue reading →