Personal Development

Accidental Hours

Ruby Pipes2 Comments

"Construction" © Juan Camilo Trujillo, 2007. CC BY 2.0.
“Construction” © Juan Camilo Trujillo, 2007. CC BY 2.0.
He said he wants to make his mark on the world. Said he’s afraid he’s running out of time. “You have to do that shit before you’re 35 or it’s not going to happen.”

The number used to be lower. It was 30 when we were 25, it was 25 when we were 20. It keeps moving, but I wonder if we do. I told him I’m not so worried about the world. I want to make a mark on myself. I want to look at my life and know I did something that matters to me. No longer satisfied with the idea of just staying alive. I want to build something. Continue reading →

Autobiography

Instincts

Ruby Pipes1 Comment

"Fire." © Matteo Paciotti, 2011. CC BY 2.0.
“Fire.” © Matteo Paciotti, 2011. CC BY 2.0.
There’s a disconnect between the things I want to do and the things I think I should be doing. Expectations that I make up to project on other people. A constant disbelief doing what I care about—what makes me happy—is enough for those around me. The obvious flaw is that even if it wasn’t good enough for them, why should that matter to me? I don’t light fires in my heart to keep you warm. I do that for me. Don’t I?

I find myself regularly doing the things I think other people want me to do. Constantly hearing things that aren’t being said, picking up on cues they never meant to send. My whole life becomes wrapped up in doing what I think would make people comfortable. What would make them able to breathe easy. I can make myself satisfied in the process, yes. But it will always be only satisfactory. It’s lacking heart.  Continue reading →

Autobiography

Between Lines

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"Abstract Photo Walk - Hull Docks" © Yorkshire Photo Walks, 2014. CC BY 2.0.
“Abstract Photo Walk – Hull Docks” © Yorkshire Photo Walks, 2014. CC BY 2.0.
I sat outside of Mr. Johns office with my coat on my lap, backpack between my knees, my withdrawal form curled into a cylinder, clasped in both my hands. He came down the hallway in a bright pink shirt and complimentary tie, smiling like he always does. We made our way into his office and I sat down in the seat facing his, unfurling my form and looking up at him. Glancing down at the form, then up at me, and back down at the form again his face went into complete shock. “What? Oh no. Please tell me you’re just trying to get into something for next term.”

“Nope. I’m actually trying to get out of something this term.”

“Oh no. Did I scare you off? Are you okay? What’s going on?”  Continue reading →