As we became closer I began to notice that she didn’t feel perfect. She felt shunned by a few co-workers, pressured by her managers, and wasn’t enjoying our work environment. Everyone has these experiences so it made her more human to me. Yet she still looked pretty perfect and I loved being around her and her light.
Recently we went out for lunch. It was one of those catch-up ones where you try to condense four months of living into one hour. Near the end she asked, “How do you do it? You’re always upbeat and you’ve got your stuff together.”
I laughed and said to her, “It’s the drugs.”
My laughing remark became serious as I saw the effect it had on her. Then I had to confess. I told her it’s a lot of therapy and occasionally a pill I’ve been prescribed to help me let go of the anxiety and focus on the lessons learnt in therapy. I told her I adore the psychologist I work with. That her goal on day one was to see less of me and give me the tools to fight my anxiety on my own. I told her I went from multiple sessions a week to visiting my psychologist a few times a year when my tools need sharpening. I offered to send my friend her contact information.
Then it was her turn. She told me she’s been suffering with body dysmorphic disorder since her early teens. Everyone compliments her body, her style, her life, but she feels that she’s barely hanging on. She’s in a committed relationship but confessed , “He didn’t fall in love with me. He fell in love with the girl I pretended to be, not some sick woman.”
Listening to her I knew how she felt. The gift of mental illness is that we can wear a mask so beautiful that it fools the world. So people look at us and think,”She has it all!”
To be honest, I usually don’t mind people thinking that. Today I’m clear so I can see that I have a lot. Can I improve? Yes! What’s the point of life if you can’t improve and learn and grow. Does this room for growth mean that I’m rather incompetent and only making it through by faking it? Not at all.
On days when I’m less clear it comes crashing down. Every mistake is an emergency failure. I’m not really successful I’m just some talented fraud who will be found out at any moment.
I know I’m not alone and unfortunately my friend was honestly hoping for a secret that could help her. Some trick I’ve got to great mental health. My only trick, which has come from therapy, is to attempt to recognize when I’m engaging in distorted thinking and immerse myself in the truth.
The mask I mentioned, well it’s interesting. As we’re busy fooling the world, we’re also fooling ourselves. We really are the strong, fashionable, smart women we’re pretending to be, but the masks are on firmly. When when we take them off we don’t recognize that the faces in the mirror are even more beautiful. The faces behind the masks are everything in the masks, but so much more. The face have seen darkness, survived, and continue to battle. We are warriors.
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youmeanme is the pen name of a millennial blogger who is blogging her journey out of debt on Saving without Scrimping. She has been battling anxiety and depression for the last twenty years and is learning to cherish each day as a victory.
Would you like to have your work featured on this blog? Send an email to rubyabrowne[at]gmail.com.
Ruby Pipes 
What a wonderful,insightful post. Those fraud masks are hard to remove. I’ve had mine since I was five.
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Thanks so much! It’s amazing how young we are when they develop!
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There is something tickling my memory, a poem or a song, with something about the mask worn to appear OK when one is in pain and falling apart behind it. I can’t quite pull it up. I’ve had those times. The other image that comes is a Twilight Zone episode. I don’t recall the title. A woman has had treatment to try to correct her facial deformity, the last of several attempts, and her head is wrapped in bandages. We don’t see the faces of the doctor and nurses. When the bandages come off she is, from the audience point of view, beautiful, but the “normal” doctor and nurses, who are grotesquely ugly, deem the operation a failure. Why does that one seem to fit? Thanks for a lovely piece on the great gift of being able to drop the masks and just be.
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You’re welocme :). Thanks so much for commenting and I’m so glad it made you think of other pieces as well. Shel Silverstein has poem, aptly titled Masks, that I love as well.
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This is a gorgeous post, and I only wish I could have the good sense to immerse myself in truth when my mind is busy lying. Something to work on, perhaps.
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Thank you. It’s so hard to do that though! I wrote this post because I was clear that day. My mind was being my friend and I figured I may very well need it when it was being my worst enemy later.
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Re-read my post and saw the line you were referring to:). I do find it hard to realize when I’m engaging in distorted thinking. The early feelings of panic are usually my cue. Immersing myself in the truth this week involved about an hour of talking myself off the ledge and doing a load of research to calm my fears. Wishing you the ability to see your truth when your mind is being unkind!
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I get it – writing is such a different experience depending what’s going on internally. I hope it’s useful on the next day you’re struggling 🙂
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Beautifully written and so full of truths!
“I know I’m not alone”.
In every hardship, it helps me to know that! For some strange reason, saying it out loud always seems to help – even on the days when I feel so very alone!
Thank you for this!
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Thank you!
That’s a powerful phrase, isn’t it?
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I just posted myself, about my struggle with BDD on my blog and reading this an eye opener and explains just what it is like to suffer with this disease. What a beautiful post.
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This short film is about the destructive nature of poor self image. Everyone needs to see this! I hope it helps everyone here. https://vimeo.com/155179650
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