Before I really know what’s happening I find myself on craigslist. Job hunting. Not for any reason in particular. It’s not a necessity. I just want something to do besides writing. Because writing is hard and working for someone else would be easy.
I fantasize about having a boss, about making coffee again, about learning to redesign an old website. I daydream about working in retail, about employee discounts, about clocking in. I catch myself wishing someone would come into my room and tell me how to spend my time. A paycheck to show I’m contributing something. A good answer to the, “So what do you do?” question.
It’s the same struggle I’ve faced for years. The same valley I’ve found myself in again and again when my writing gets scary and uncomfortable. I see it stretching out in front of me, all introspection and vulnerability. And instead of trudging forward into it, I want to turn tail and run.
So many pieces of partially finished projects scattered on the floor that I feel like I never get anything done. It doesn’t build into anything. It’s just a thin coating. I have created no mountains, no mole hills. I haven’t stayed committed, haven’t buckled down hard enough to build. I have done the easy thing instead.
And I’m tired of that. Tired of taking the easy way out. The easy way in. Tired of not living up to the potential my mom keeps telling me I have. Tired of making excuses for why I haven’t done this or that or stayed interested long enough for things to really pan out. I’m tired of committing half-heartedly and then pretending I don’t care when nothing happens.
I want to make big goals. I want to accomplish big things. I want to stop worrying so much about what I think other people expect of me. I want to do the deep digging and find out what it is I’m really after. Because I have my suspicions that it does not involve a nine-to-five job in an office.
I know it doesn’t.
The things I build my dreams out of are written words published in places other than this blog. They’re longer form stories that I spend weeks revising. They’re rejection letters and late nights. They’re all sweat and sobbing. Tired eyes and worn down keyboards. I build my dreams on long runs and heavy lifts. On failed pull up attempts. On early mornings and long phone calls with friends. And it’s time I start being okay with it.
Because I’m never going to make anyone else happy without making myself happy first. I’m never going to live up to someone else’s expectations if I just made them up in my head. I’m never going to be fulfilled by doing what I think other people want me to. That’s the recipe for a life of resentment and exhaustion. That’s exactly the thing I don’t want to do.
So let’s do something new.
Ruby Pipes 
you have no idea how close to home this hit today.
I am years older than you sweet Ruby.
Please. Do what you’re meant to do.
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Thank you, love. I have to. ❤
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Why are we always so hard on ourselves?
I am slow this week at work during what is supposed to be the busiest time of year. Usually this has me in a state of depression, self-loathing, and crippling insecurity. I’m finding that, fortunately, my new meds have enabled me to not beat myself up about about it! It is what it is, and I’m not too upset about it, which is highly unusual! I am thinking of other projects, and also laying around and doing a whole lot of nothing! It’s nice to be okay with it and not hate myself!
It seems as if finally, the right combination of meds helps to see the glass half full, and a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though we start out feeling low, we’re able to look for the positives and seem to have hope. You sound like you have some hope, and that is so good to hear! I hope so, and I look forward to getting your book for Christmas! Yes, your published BOOK! How cool is that?!
Have a great day today Ruby!
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WOOHOO! I’m so glad you hear you found a combination of meds that is working for you. I seem to be having some luck on that front and what a difference it makes. No, I’m not happy all the time or anything like that. But I’m not lying on the floor and sobbing lately, so I’ll take it.
I hope you enjoy the book. I’m still terrified of people reading it, but that’s getting a little bit easier all the time.
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Bloody mothers and their ‘unfulfilled potential’ tears hair
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Hahaha. For real.
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Wow, maybe the saying “the grass is always greener…” is true.
I have a 9 to 5 and hate it, want something new. I definitely don’t feel passionate about my work and always feel like I’m missing out on something, my true calling. Just don’t know what that is.
This makes me wonder/realize, how much of that feeling is a result of my concern for what others will think/do think.
Bottom line, I’m miserable. My job gives me tons of anxiety and a lot of the time I just feel, well, depressed. Ugh.
Why does adulthood suck so badly???? I just want to be FREE!!!!!
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I’m sure the saying is true. It always seems like we can think of something that would make everything better, doesn’t it? If only this or that.
I’m sorry you’re having a miserable time right now. I like to think it gets better. Or, rather, we get better at it.
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I guess it’s hard for me because I’ve heard my whole life that there’s always room for improvement. I think there’s a difference between wanting to be “better” at something vs. feeling that we’re flawed and need to fix ourselves and everything around us.
❤
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I have such a hard time remembering there IS a difference!
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Here here! Write on!
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YES! Go for it!!! I am all about letting go of expectations – there’s no way to live up to all the conflicting messages that we get from our friends, loved ones, culture, society, and even ourselves. I am constantly reminding myself to let go of who I think I’m supposed to be. Be who you were born to be! It is a difficult road, but it is the most rewarding path you can choose. I am wishing you success and joy!
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Woohoo!
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Awesome post! You are doing a brave thing in choosing writing for a living, from what I’ve heard it is very scary and you have to deal with a lot of uncertainty. But being able to sit with the uncertainty and keep doing what you know is right deep down shows character and true authentic living. Keep it up!
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Thank you so much! 😀
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I would give ANYTHING to follow my dreams, to do what I’m passionate about (which also happens to be writing). I would dump my 9-5 in a ‘bleeping’ heartbeat if my husband and I could get by without the measly paycheck I earn.
Writing is a different kind of struggle, a different kind of really hard work, I’m sure there are people out there who think being a writer is the easy way out (HA!). Sometimes it flows like all the stars are aligned, but mostly it’s hard work and it is emotional work.
Either way, be grateful you have the opportunity to do what you love as a career. ❤
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I am incredibly fortunate to be able to do what I’m doing now, for sure.
It’s amazing that people think it’s easy, isn’t it? Like we just sit around with a cup of coffee and churn out thousands of divine words a day without much thought or struggle at all.
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A glorious lifestyle 😉 haha
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Awesome post!
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Thank you!
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