Mental Health · Relationships

Fight

Ruby Pipes
“Thailand” © Nishanth Jois, 2014. CC BY 2.0.

When I got home from work last night I collapsed on the floor sobbing. Mason put down his computer and crawled over to me. Again. “I just can’t get myself together, baby. I don’t know what’s happening.”

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

In the middle of the night I woke up from a half-sleep and found myself curled up tight, still crying. In the morning, I sent my trainer a message to let him know I wasn’t going to make it in. “I just don’t have it in me today.”

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

After my doctor’s appointment I walked around the city. Tried to make my way up the hill to my office, but couldn’t get my brain to grab on to anything. Muttered under my breath, “You got this. Just stay upright. Just for today. Just stay.” Then shot off another message about not coming in.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Again and again, apologies flutter from my lips, my fingertips. Land on everyone like a dusting of snow. Of ash. Like I’m made up of nothing but let downs, crumbling. But I can’t give in to that belief.

So I started reaching out. Made (and kept) appointments with a medical doctor, a counselor, a psychiatrist. Asked to reduce my hours at work. Figured out how to start taking more long, cathartic walks with my best friend. Had Mason tell me the details of our ten year plan.

I’m building an army. Taking back the pen.

37 thoughts on “Fight”

  5. Maybe you’re won’t believe me… but you’re not letting anyone down and you have nothing to be sorry for.

    You are open to advice, not pretending to know everything, and proactive. You do what you can. Maybe just try to do as many of your “basics” as possible, and don’t flog yourself for your “limitations”. They don’t make you a lesser person. And those “limitations” can change, but you don’t have to force anything. Your heart/spirit needs your patience. It’s okay you have your own pace and you are not obligated to carry anyone else’s “good” or “bad” opinion(s).

    Your honesty helps others and you are love.

    I’m rooting for you because it’s so easy to do. You’re lovely.

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  9. I just recently started following you because your writing really touched me. I too have that depression/anxiety troll looming over me. That’s what I think of it, as a troll, that I have to fight to keep hidden from view. It’s always going to be there, but we are in control of it and we can tame it. You can fight it off, stay in control, fight for yourself every single minute of the day. And when you feel weakened from the struggle, just curl up into Masons arms and know you are loved and safe, and tell yourself, you fought as hard as you could that day. Rest, and recuperate. Give yourself as much love and time as you need.

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    1. I’ve gotten really caught up in the whole “it’s always going to be there, but I can deal with it” thought pattern, too. The thing that I’ve forgotten though, is all the other stuff that is also going to be there. All the good stuff.

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  10. It has been pointed out, by other better writers, that depression/anxiety lies. Lies with all the suave and believable patter of certain fallen angel-types.

    I cling to that belief when the will is sapped, the mind is full of pointy dangerous things, the body is ready to just sag in a gray corner.

    There are better, brighter things.
    We just gotta believe.

    It seems – from your post – that you are gathering the sergeants of belief and the lieutenants of order.

    I believe.
    I believe in both of us.

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  11. I’ve been where you are so many times and will be there again, no doubt. You’re fighting the good fight. You can climb your way out. Be patient with yourself. Keep chugging along and doing those things that tap into that special part of you that can’t be snuffed out. I’ll be reading and hoping you get to where you want to be. Thanks for sharing your journey.

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  12. Some days we just need time to reflect and work on ourselves. Those days we literally have no energy for entertaining anyone or anything else in our lives. Don’t feel sorry, you’re not giving up and disappointing people but rather listening to your internal needs instead 🙂

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    1. I keep trying to remember to tell myself that taking care of myself is my first job. Everything else after. So hard to remember that it’s okay to do that, though.

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  15. In literal sense, none can change reality but one can manipulate it to an advantage, end is soon on approach and one can hear if not listen to it’s approaching steps.
    As I contemplate on the reality faced, I script and relate on the terms expressed, feeling it as an emotional experience and all got is an understanding relational to, do you believe??

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  18. It takes so much strength and courage to reach out and take those steps forward. This is just one more thing to get through, and you will. ((hugs))

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  19. Every Sunday night I have to “psych myself up” and prepare for the week to come. It’s the hardest thing to do, but if it wasn’t for the love of my life I wouldn’t know what to do. It’s the best thing having someone to help you out xx

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